The end of my journey

I first embarked on my surrogacy journey nearly two years ago. Unforeseen events led to my decision to part ways with my first set of IPs and seek out a new agency closer to home. Then last March I was overwhelmed with joy when I met and was matched with my IFs. Over the past nine months we have developed a strong relationship that I could not have imagined even in my wildest dreams. As mentioned previously in this blog, we suffered a heart wrenching blow with the news that I had miscarried last September at five weeks. Our second transfer last month ended with the dismal news of a negative beta.

Yesterday I received a call from my coordinator telling me that my IFs RE had no idea why both transfers were unsuccessful given both embryos transferred were great and my lining and hormone levels in both instances were perfect. In a nut shell I was told that due to the possibility that my body may not be compatible with the donor in this instance that the RE has denied my medical clearance and suggested that my IFs use a new surrogate for their future transfer(s). I must admit I was stunned and heartbroken and fighting back tears. I absolutely want all the best for my IFs and with that said I agreed with my coordinator that this descion may be for the best if it gives them even the slightest advantage toward a possible successful pregnancy during their next transfer.

In the same breath which I kept to myself, I feel like I have been just tossed to the side like a used up napkin. I feel cheated of the amazing relationship that my IFs and I have although I know it does not nor will it end. I know that many surrogates on AAS have gone on to have successful pregnancies even after two failed transfers. It just feels so wrong for the doctor to make such a bold descion based on a possibility or a hunch. Although I didn't ask my coordinator, I have this very eerie feeling that because my medical file has now been denied and I have been through two transfers neither of which produced good results, that I will no longer be viewed as a good candidate for surrogacy. I just feel tainted.  And with the RE being out of town for the next month I will just have to let it all go for now which just stings.

I spoke to my IFs last night and they are clearly heartbroken which makes everything hurt so much more. They feel torn but of course they trust their doctor 100% so they are on board with moving forward and I assured them that I supported their descion, which I do, and I very much look forward to hearing all about their next journey. I very much hope that with the two remaining embryos left that one of them will be the miracle that they are waiting for. They deserve all the best.

I'm very uncertain about what this means for me in terms of being a potential surrogate again. I feel a bit overwhelmed at the idea of starting all over and rematching, if that's even an option at this point. For now it's the end of the road. I think I just need some time to process all the emotions I'm feeling too.