The Birth Of Baby Sophie 9/28/16

Wednesday September 28, 2016...Induction at 38 weeks.

I can't get enough of that sweet face:)

Tuesday September 27, 2016, Due to possible IUGR (Intrauterine Growth Restriction) our perintalist felt it was best for the health of my IF's little peanut that we induce immediately.

Months prior we were told that I would likely need to be induced at 37 wks due to my age and the chance of my placenta aging. I honestly felt uneasy about the prospect of not allowing nature to take it's course naturally as I have been fortunate enough to expereince this with all three of my own children.

I felt uneasy about my doctor jumping on the induction band wagon so quickly so I began to ask questions and researching as much as I could on my own.  Inductions have an important place in certain situations however they also carry certain risks that I wanted to make sure were warranted given our particular situation. During this time I stumbled upon the 'Buisness Of Being Born,' a Documentary Series on Netflix. It was a wonderful glimpse into all aspects of different medical interventions and the pros and cons of each. But what really made a lasting immpression on me was watching and learning about natural birth options both at home and in a hospital setting as well as the amazing role of doulas. I was struck with how little I knew and felt that I had somehow missed out on the opportunity to try a natural birth with my own children.

This feeling that I had somehow short changed myself by not learning more about my birthing options lingered with me over the next few months. Knowing that this would be my last pregnancy, that I would most likley be induced and that I didn't even have the time or the know how to even entertain the idea of attempting to find or speak to a doula convinced me that I would be better off letting this idea go. After all I had no clue how to 'ride through a contraction' which is key to a successful med free labor as several mom's in this documentary explained. The only hard contractions complete with back labor I had expereinced were with my first daughter 18 yrs ago on the way to the hospital and I was screaming bloody murder fighting and resisting the pain like a crazy mad woman. Gratefully and boy was I grateful, I was given an epidural and my labor and subsequent birth were quick and easy. My following births 14 and 7 yrs respectively, I magically progressed to 6-7 centimeters by the time I walked thru the hospital doors and by some dumb luck I was given an epidural before my contractions intensified and became painful....((few))

So to be honest I was kinda silently dreaming of this fantasy where I could muscle through birth on my own even though I knew deep down I didn't have a clue how to prepare. Nor did I have the support from family, friends or my doc. since I hadn't even shared my thoughts or feelings regarding my interest in a natural birth. Of course it's no secret that the intensity and frequency of contractions with inductions is greater, leading many women to require some reprieve from the pain and then the cascade of interventions begins. I feared the possiblity of my surro babe experiencing fetal distress and began to panic about the possiblity of a cesarean as a result. Then there was the thought of the pain...I'm not tough. So long story short the night before my scheduled induction was a sleepless one. I honestly prayed that I would miraculously go into labor that night and we could just skip the induction altogether...

In retrospect it seems almost silly how stressed I felt leading up to my induction. My focus was blurred by what-if's and my past deliveries which were perfect in memory, seemed to just further my resolve to try to gain some control over a situation I was beginning to feel was suddenly out of my control.

To add to my stress, baby Sophie had been in the breech position for a long time and thanks to lots of monitering it was clear she was quite comfortable with her little sweet noggin wedged just under my left ribcage and her buttocks planted snuggly in my pelvis:) My youngest daughter also presented in the breech position and at 8 and half months I decided to have an external version to rotate her into the head down position. It worked and with my IF's and doc's blessings we scheduled a version that took place 5 days prior to baby Sophie's debut into this world. I was so thankful that she didn't resist or become distressed. At this point I was so grateful to have the opportunity to deliver vaginally that I think I may have subconsciously decided to go all out and try to postpone an epidural. I was fearful that getting an induction also meant LONG labor and that getting an epidural too early could possibly stall labor to some degree.

At long last...My Birth Story!!

So there we were (mom and myself) finally at the L&D at around 9:30am. Check-in took forever as I had to complete the same questions and paperwork I had just done 5 days prior when I was addmitted for my external version...blah. By 11:00am I was finally in a bed with my IV hooked up and it was decided that since my cervical check showed I was dilated about 2cm and slightly soft that the pitocin would be administered slowly by one notch every 30 min. if needed. At 11am ish I was at a level 1 of pit. pretty low I know but I was good with that. At 12:30pm (no contraction yet) the nurse and midwife came in and asked if I wanted to have my water bag broken...I accepted. It was a wee bit uncomfortable with a hand and hook crammed up my hooha. The next hour plus went on with that wonderful warm water gushing out from my body making it feel like I was sitting in a wet diaper. By 1pm my IF's arrived with their overnight bags and laptops so they could cram in some last min. work before the official life changing moment of fatherhood officially commenced.

Between 1-1:50pm I was starting to feel light contractions similiar to Braxton Hicks. Apparently this was not enough progress and one of the nurses came in and upped my pit. a few more times in an effort to get things going. By 2:20pm I was feeling deeper contractions and my IF was watching them on the monitor telling me how high the numbers were getting. At this point they were 3-4 min. apart. By 3:00pm they were getting uncomfortable and I could feel all the pain in my lower back. It was at this time that my mom had left to pick up my youngest from school and three nurses rushed into the room, told the guys they may want to leave and without warning one nurse grabbed my legs and sent them spread eagle ( grateful the guys had left) and did a quick cervical check...3cm, while the second nurse placed an oxygen mask onto my face while turning my body so I was then laying on my right side (I remember breaking down in tears and feeling very emotional) and the third turned of the pit. completely and gave me a tissue. My earlier fear of baby Sophie expereincing fetal distress due to the admistration of pitocin played out in a mad fury. Fortunatly as quickly as it all happened she was back on the monitor within a brief period and looking good.

By 3:45pm my contractions had intensified and my nurses provided me with a wireless monitor so that I could walk around or sit in the rocking chair to help ease my contractions some now that little Sophie was happy. During this time I was probably starting to freak the guys out a little with the groaning and occational contorting as I grabbed for my lower back pushing on it to help ease the pain. I felt bad but I could no longer engage in friendly conversation as it took about all I had to work through each contraction now.

By 5pm my mom had finally returned only to find me standing up against my bed with my head and  my face buried in the sheets, beads of sweat on my forehead (it's a workout) and tears silently streaming down my face. At this point I think she was mystefied as to why I was going through this and not requesting any pain meds. I won't sugar coat this for anyone who is thinking of laboring naturally, it hurts something fierce, and gratefully it was at this moment that the nurses returned and said that I was progressing nicely and to expect her to be born around 7pm.

5:30pm I was asked to get back onto the bed and move onto all fours with my arms hugging my pillow and lying tummy side down with one leg extended and the other tucked under my chest. It was surprisly comfortable. My nurse said she was hopeful that the baby would turn since my terrible back labor was intensified by the fact that she was facing forward. No luck but it was wonderful having the nurses take turns putting hard pressure on my lower back as my contractions hit nearly every 30-60 seconds. The next 30 min. were hard and I was begining to feel that pressure in the pelvic floor the kind of pressure that feels like you have to take a massive dump!!! eek. At this point I was getting cold feet and I was starting to physically panic. I remember saying 'I can't do this'...as dr. Walsh walked in very calm and collected and said I was ready. There was a scurry of activity as the nurses scrambled around, the guys moved behind my bed and in one fell swoop I was quickly moved onto my back while my legs were held to either side and I was suddenly told to push. Oh dear God...I could feel everything and it was the most freighting moment because there was no turning back, I had to push this baby out with no pain meds and I was literally beginning to squirm back up the bed...like I could somehow get out of giving birth. All I remember hearing was relax, don't breath, just push, keep pushing. I could feel my face turning bright red. With each push I thought for sure she must be out...how long could this baby be?? I remember yelling out 'can you please just pull her out?' I managed one final push and when I finally opened my eyes back up all I could see were little feet and legs inches from my face. Baby Sophie was lying on my stomach while one of the IF's cut her embilcal cord. She was born at 6:01pm weighing in at only 5 lbs and 4 oz. Then within a flash she was whisked away across the room to get her APGAR testing and get cleaned up.

I remember the immediate relief I felt that I actually did it! That my IF's little girl appeared healthy, and watching and hearing all the joy in the room. There are no words to properly express how this moment felt. It was perfect in every way. As my placenta was being removed I could see baby Sophie's eyes wide open looking around the room. She never cried or made a bit of noise not once.

I then remember my IF's walking towards me, one of them noticably choked up and sniffling as he leaned over to hug me and thank me:) There is no better feeling in the world then seeing and participating in the begining of a new life. I felt like the proudest surro mom in the world...a high I feel every time I think back to this moment. I will always feel eternally blessed to have had this opportunity and it warms my heart everytime a get an update from Sophie's dads. She is beautiful in every way:)

And I must add, it was something wonderful to be able to walk on my own shortly after giving birth to the bathroom. I was moved a short time later to my recovery room. My mom and I sat for the next few hours having hot tea and snacks and watching 'Coming to America"...remember that old Eddie Murphy movie?? LOL!

Today I'm still feeling great...no pain and I'm fully back to my daily routines. The awful discomfort of my milk coming in has finally slowed. I am so over smelling like frozen green peas...I have been waring them in my sports bra for the past 5 days. But it's doing the trick and the engorment has subsided considerably.

Cheers to all my fellow Surros and soon to be surros here at AAS. You all have given me the knowledge and encouragement over the past 4 plus years that I needed to make this journey so amazing!!!! First time was the charm and now I'm retired! Bless you all:)

xxx

Jessica

It's Not A Squinter Today!!!

Today is 8dpt and although it's still light, there is a definite line there today! I hope I'm not the only one who can see it:)

8dpt

Fast Forward To POAS

So I'm slacking in the blogging/update department because honestly life is busy and the meaty stuff is the actual 2WW and the act of POAS. So as of 5dpt it was a sucky BFN. Today is a new day and I'm feeling hopeful. Actually very hopeful because I think I actually got a squinter!!!! It may be that it's only visible to me but hey it's keeping that hope alive. So feel free to SQUINT away....

7dpt

Yikes...I'm not sure it's even visable...((sigh))

Cheers To New Beginnings!

Wow, so it's been more then two years since my last journey ended. Life got busy and I simply went along for the ride, however I never forgot about surrogacy.

Two weeks ago while I was in bed trying to fall asleep my mind just made a B-Line to surrogacy. It was the strangest thing since it had not been on my conscious mind in eons and the thought just interrupted a million other thoughts, worries, and a myraid of other things that seems to overcome me as soon as I hope to fall into a deep restful slumber...hehehe...to be a baby for a night:)

So naturally I shoo shooed all my other thoughts sat up and grabbed my cell, googleing any and all agencies that would accept an applicant such as myself who is over the lovely age of 40...eeeeek there were quite a few too!

So long story short I slept on it and spent some time over the next few days reading and researching until by chance I found an agency a mere 14 miles from my home in GA. I emailed them and recieved a wonderful response back. Met the owner and coordinator for lunch and boom it was a match! So they already have all my medical records, that's the great thing about haveing already started this process since my old RE sent them all within a week. Now just waiting for my insurance company to send my insurance booklet so we can see if there are any exclusions regarding surrogacy.

I'm super stoked to be back and to see some new and some familiar ladies on AAS!!

That's All For Now!!!

The end of my journey

I first embarked on my surrogacy journey nearly two years ago. Unforeseen events led to my decision to part ways with my first set of IPs and seek out a new agency closer to home. Then last March I was overwhelmed with joy when I met and was matched with my IFs. Over the past nine months we have developed a strong relationship that I could not have imagined even in my wildest dreams. As mentioned previously in this blog, we suffered a heart wrenching blow with the news that I had miscarried last September at five weeks. Our second transfer last month ended with the dismal news of a negative beta.

Yesterday I received a call from my coordinator telling me that my IFs RE had no idea why both transfers were unsuccessful given both embryos transferred were great and my lining and hormone levels in both instances were perfect. In a nut shell I was told that due to the possibility that my body may not be compatible with the donor in this instance that the RE has denied my medical clearance and suggested that my IFs use a new surrogate for their future transfer(s). I must admit I was stunned and heartbroken and fighting back tears. I absolutely want all the best for my IFs and with that said I agreed with my coordinator that this descion may be for the best if it gives them even the slightest advantage toward a possible successful pregnancy during their next transfer.

In the same breath which I kept to myself, I feel like I have been just tossed to the side like a used up napkin. I feel cheated of the amazing relationship that my IFs and I have although I know it does not nor will it end. I know that many surrogates on AAS have gone on to have successful pregnancies even after two failed transfers. It just feels so wrong for the doctor to make such a bold descion based on a possibility or a hunch. Although I didn't ask my coordinator, I have this very eerie feeling that because my medical file has now been denied and I have been through two transfers neither of which produced good results, that I will no longer be viewed as a good candidate for surrogacy. I just feel tainted.  And with the RE being out of town for the next month I will just have to let it all go for now which just stings.

I spoke to my IFs last night and they are clearly heartbroken which makes everything hurt so much more. They feel torn but of course they trust their doctor 100% so they are on board with moving forward and I assured them that I supported their descion, which I do, and I very much look forward to hearing all about their next journey. I very much hope that with the two remaining embryos left that one of them will be the miracle that they are waiting for. They deserve all the best.

I'm very uncertain about what this means for me in terms of being a potential surrogate again. I feel a bit overwhelmed at the idea of starting all over and rematching, if that's even an option at this point. For now it's the end of the road. I think I just need some time to process all the emotions I'm feeling too.

Beta is in...

Well we didn't get the Christmas miracle we had all so hoped and prayed for. A second transfer has come and gone leaving behind some very sad heavy hearts. The emotional heartache my IFs and so many IPs have and will go through as they take the often bumpy ride along the surrogacy train is tough. This is just not the kind of news I wanted them to have to hear and cope with days before Christmas. Clearly bringing a new life into this world is no small feet for some. With one successful transfer ending in a miscarriage and now the second with a negative beta I'm really starting to realize more on an emotional level just how lucky my husband and I are to have been able to conceive all three of our children almost the month we got that baby bug. Almost like a magic trick, abra cadabra and poof I was pregnant every time.

With such a fertile background I really didn't ever actually contemplate the whole idea that I would ever not get pregnant right away. Clearly using someone else's genetics and the whole IVF process changes things a bit but I guess I was somehow in a fog or dreamy state to think that if a healthy embryo was transferred into my uterus that the results would most likely be the same.

Sigh...come March my IFs and I will have known each other for a year. It's been a great road toward getting to better know them and spending time together. I wouldn't change that for anything. And as such I told them that I am here for them for the long haul or as long as they need me. These men are so incredible and so deserve to have all the many joys and hair pulling experiences that only parenthood can bring. It will happen sooner or later I know, just hoping it will be on the sooner side. Keeping my head up and ever so hopeful that we will all have some happier news in the new year!

The Two Week Wait is On!

So I am 4dp5dt today and my first beta is scheduled for December the 20th. It's been a rather long road getting to this second transfer or so it feels since the first one was way back in August. This transfer like the first was perfect, except this time around both of my IFs were able to attend. The entire appointment was short and sweet thanks to everything being on time as usual and the miracles of science happening in the blink of an eye.

Yet despite a perfect transfer on Monday the 10th, I had a bit of a scare when I returned home. Since I had run out of Synthroid, my thyroid medication, I promptly called my endocrinologist who is monitoring my levels for this transfer and throughout our future pregnancy. Within seconds after requesting a refill for my 50mcg prescription it became very clear that I had made a terrible mistake and I began feeling sick to my stomach. Some how when the nurse had called me three weeks ago to inform me that my doctor wanted to increase my Synthroid dosage by taking half of 125mcg pill each day, I thought that meant in addition to the 50mcg dosage I was already taking. So for three weeks I and the nurse realized that I had been taking way too much, what an incredible buzz kill after such a wonderful morning dedicated to getting me knocked up. Both Monday and Tuesday were filled with anxiety and dread waiting for my appointment Wednesday to get my thyroid levels retested to see just how high they were. My endocrinologist doc. called me yesterday and said my levels were high but she was not "concerned." I immediately contacted our clinic and my nurse coordinator that I always communicate with was so incredible. She assured me that it was ok, mistakes happen and that they would rather have my TSH be low from high dosages of synthroid, hyperthyroid, then to have a high TSH as in hypothyroid.

So here I am today still unsure if I will be poas or not. The anxiety over the past four days has just worn me out and I'm feeling so beyond cautiously optimistic that I just fear bad news more then ever. Much like the first transfer I am not having any cramping, implantation bleeding or anything at all that would indicate something was happening in there. So for now I'm just focusing on eating and sleeping well and just trying to remind myself to not worry what's done is done.

Tomorrow I will be 5dp5dt which was when I got my first BFP last time. If I suddenly get that crazy ass urge to pee I will post those results for sure!! So for now please send those strong sticky vibes this way. Who knows maybe just maybe my IFs will get the BIGGEST x-mas gift ever! Oh boy do they deserve it...fingers and toesies criss crossed!