Moving forward...

After last Mondays very sad news I have felt so many different emotions. The first two days I felt so sad and empty, mostly for the pain and sorrow my IFs were experiencing. This feeling dissipated some on day three to renewed hope once I realized that in some instances neither the heart beat or fetal pole can be detected when ultrasounds are preformed at six weeks. My hcg numbers which were on the low side at 5000, were still in the normal range giving me this tiny bit of hope that I clung to. It helped lift my spirits and allowed me to get through this unbelievably long week.

So I spent a great deal of time googling and reading up on anything I could find where other women who had low hcg numbers like me at six weeks and or who had a gestational and yolk sac but no visible fetal pole, went on to have follow up ultrasounds that showed a healthy little fetus. So secretly I began to hope that maybe just maybe my IF's little bean would against all odds be just fine.

Physically I have been feeling great almost too good. I have not had any pregnancy symptoms and I can't even express how badly I actually wanted to feel nauseated. I have been feeling a great deal of anxiety over the what ifs and the waiting. So just in case I have been armed all week with my female arsenal of massive overnight pads whenever I leave my house.

Well yesterday morning was our follow up ultrasound and my IFs and I both felt prepared, emotionally. I think after mourning the loss of this little bean last Monday we were all expecting the worst but definitely hoping for the best. We had the same ultrasound tech. and just like last Monday she was very quite while starring at her monitor, pushing buttons and squinting her eyes looking for any sign of a fetal pole. Within seconds I knew. I new before she turned the monitor our way with the same heart breaking view of that little empty gestational sac. It was very disappointing but my IFs were strong and there mindset was super positive. We all spoke with our wonderful doctor afterwards and decided on our next course of action. Everyone is in agreement that we will move forward in January.

Yesterday I stopped taking all of my medications. Now I know for certain that this miscarriage which I have been dreading all week long is coming for sure.

So I have several choices and they all pretty much suck:( The first choice is to have a D&C which is a surgical procedure. The pros of this method would be to have a set date likely immediately so there is no waiting for the impending dooms day. Also knowing for sure that all the tissue will likely be removed and that the fetal tissue recovered can be saved in order to be tested for possible chromosomal abnormalities is a plus. Unfortunately in our case the fetal pole never developed so our RE explained that it was very unlikely that there would be adequate tissue for the lab to even test with. Of course there is an inherent risk associated with any surgical procedure this one included. So I hope to avoid this one if possible.

The second option is to medically induce a miscarriage by taking cytotec vaginally. The pros here are that 80% of the time miscarriage will begin within four to eight hours so it can essentially be planned in the comfort of my home. The downside is that the pain and cramping tend to be more severe.

Lastly, I can just wait for my body to naturally miscarry. This could happen quickly or may take weeks. It could happen while I'm shopping, at my son's soccer game or if I'm lucky in the comfort of my own home...yikes is all I can say!

So after talking to our RE yesterday I decided to go ahead and wait it out this week and if nothing happens to take cytotec on Sunday to induce a miscarriage. The hitch here is that my husband will need to be home all day so he can help care for our three year old while my body goes through this uncomfortable process as I will be a wee bit preoccupied. I have percocet for the pain if needed thank goodness! Fingers crossed that all this drama happens quickly and completely so I can avoid a D&C and we can move forward as I must wait through two periods before beginning our second round of cycling which would be in January at the earliest.

I just have to add that my IF's have made this sad and unpleasant experience one that has given us all the strength and courage to pick ourselves up and try try again . They have been nothing short of awesome. They frequently check on me and are so worried about me experiencing any pain. It's so comforting! They have such big hearts and it feels so great to know that they are there for me and I for them. I could not have asked for a better relationship then this! I'm truly blessed!

Thanks again to all of you for your kind words last week it really was a great comfort!

A very sad day...

Yesterday was my IFs big day, their very first ultrasound! Everything started off great too at least on my end. I was able to secure babysitting for my youngest, arrive before our scheduled appointment time and I managed to keep my nerves at bay.

Before the guys arrived I had my blood drawn and out of the way and just as that was done our ultrasound tech. was ready to whisk me away. I told her that I was the surrogate and was still expecting my IFs. So we notified the receptionist and headed to the ultrasound room. She asked me if she could get started and I said sure with the assumption that the guys would join us as soon as they arrived.

After a few minutes of complete silence, I began to feel that she was struggling to locate the heart beat or anything for that matter but was still hopeful since her facial expression did not appear concerned. After lots of clicking noises and watching her squinting at the screen she finally said that she could see the gestational and the yoke sac but that it was very very tiny so she was having a hard time locating the fetal pole. She turned the screen towards me and showed me the sac. It was dark and empty inside. She assured me that it was still early and because it was so tiny it's possible that we just won't be able to get a view of the fetal pole.

I had tucked my cell phone by my side so I could take an ultrasound picture but I just could not get myself to do it...something just seemed off. Just as I took yet another glance at the clock hoping my IFs were going to walk in, I received a text from them. They were asking if they were at the right location as the receptionist told them that they did not have an appointment. As I responded yes the tech. said she was done and I could go get dressed. Omg! I was shocked! She was done and it was only a few minutes past 11:00, our actual scheduled time. She seemed very rushed and told me to get changed and left the room.

My poor IF's were waiting outside the room when I stepped out and looked as if they were a bit dazed and confused. I felt terrible...this appointment was theirs and some how it all happened without them.

While we waited together to speak with the doctor I shared with them the basics of the ultrasound findings and they explained the mix up at the front desk. Ahhh I just felt terrible but they were gracious and we spent the next 10 min. catching up.

We met with a new doctor as our doctor was out of town. He was very nice and spent a great deal of time explaining that although at 6 weeks and 3 days we should be able to see the fetal pole and heart beat that there is a 30% chance that everything is just fine and a repeat ultrasound within the week will confirm these findings. However there is of course a 70% chance that the pregnancy is not viable and it's nearly always related to a genetic mishap and is completely normal.

This news was very shocking to us all but as my IFs and I left we felt a great sense of hope that we would be part of that 30%.

A phone call around 5pm yesterday just dashed those hopes. All my hormone levels were perfect but my hcg hormone was very low. The nurse told me it was at 5,000 and should be around 30,000. She told me to keep taking my meds. and just to wait for my body to miscarry. Most of what she said after that was just gurgle noise, I felt such an empty feeling for my IFs it's rather hard to express in writing.

The text I received soon after from my IF was heart breaking but very warm and thankful too. He mentioned he had been crying for the last 30 min. and I could feel my eyes begin to well up. I have kept myself from crying several times as it's just not been the right time...at dinner, driving to soccer practice..can't cry and drive! Or helping my son with homework. I just wanted to lie down in bed and let it out but by the time my head finally hit the pillow I was out like a light.

I had a nice talk with my surrogacy coordinator today and writing this helps too. I know we all just have to go through the motions right now. It's hard knowing your pregnant being thrilled for your IPs and knowing the excitement they are feeling and then to have that all squashed in a five min. phone call was crushing. I have never experienced a miscarriage nor known anyone who has so the waiting for the inevitable right now is awful. I know we will all get through this just fine and I know in my heart that things will turn around and there will be a happy ending for us all in the future.

Saliva and lots of it....

Yesterday I had the sensation that my mouth was filling up with saliva because it was! I'm swallowing constantly just to keep from drooling. It's rather unpleasant and the only times this happens to me normally is when I'm about to take a big old bite of something delicious or right before I need to throw up...yuck!! Luckily for me I don't feel nauseous or sick in any way, I just feel like there is a waterfall of saliva in my mouth now and I can't seem to get rid of it. Feeling jealous much?

So feeling a little alarmed I jumped online and as I suspected excess saliva is yet another perk of pregnancy. It is reassuring to know that I'm not the only woman expereincing this rather gross and annoying pregnancy symptom though. So aside from this I'm still feeling fantastic. I did expereince a gag relex yesterday though. I had stuck the top of a marker into my mouth so I could simaltanously write and hold my phone while juggling some papers. Hoping it was just a fluke and not a sign of things to come:)

So today we are 6 weeks along. So I thought I would share some pictures and a few fun facts below.

Courtesy of : www.thebump.com

your baby's the size of a sweet pea!

The average embryo at week 6 is about .25 inches and will double in size again next week. Wow!

Share this with family and friends

your baby at 6 weeks

• Obviously, she's growing like crazy!
• She's also circulating blood with her increasingly more sophisticated circulatory sytem.
• She's about to get cuter too, since she's starting to sprout a nose, eyes, ears, chin and cheeks.
• And she might even be wiggling her (paddle-like) hands and feet.

We are 5 weeks pregnant today!!

So today we are officially 5 weeks pregnant...the little embryo we transferred 16 days ago is just the size of a sesame seed now...ahhh!

I am still feeling completely normal or I should say I'm not yet experiencing any pregnancy symptoms. Since earlier this week when our RE upped my synthriod dose back up to 50mcg from 25mcg for my super tempermental thyriod, I have been feeling increasingly more alert, mentally! I think I'm begining to really like thyriod hormones!

I feel though like it's the 'calm before the storm.' With all three of my own pregnancies I had terrible morning sickness. Let me rephrase that it was really tough with both of my daughters. Nausea all day, occasional vomiting, the kind where your driving and you have to pull over immiediatly!Oh and lets not forget the heartburn and total exhaustion with my youngest daughter. Most days I would walk about 30 min. come home and fall asleep for several hours.With my son the symptoms were mild in comparison as long as I ate frequently.

With that said I have a hypothesis. If this little bean I'm caring is a boy maybe I will have a smooth first trimester? Anybody else notice any different early preggo symptoms with girls vs boys? Time will tell. For now I'm enjoying every day that I feel GREAT!!

 

 

How your baby's growing:
 

Deep in your uterus your embryo is growing at a furious pace. At this point, he's about the size of a sesame seed, and he looks more like a tiny tadpole than a human. He's now made up of three layers — the ectoderm, the mesoderm, and the endoderm — which will later form all of his organs and tissues.
The neural tube — from which your baby's brain, spinal cord, nerves, and backbone will sprout — is starting to develop in the top layer, called the ectoderm. This layer will also give rise to his skin, hair, nails, mammary and sweat glands, and tooth enamel.
His heart and circulatory system begin to form in the middle layer, or mesoderm. (This week, in fact, his tiny heart begins to divide into chambers and beat and pump blood.) The mesoderm will also form your baby's muscles, cartilage, bone, and subcutaneous (under skin) tissue.
The third layer, or endoderm, will house his lungs, intestines, and rudimentary urinary system, as well as his thyroid, liver, and pancreas. In the meantime, the primitive placenta and umbilical cord, which deliver nourishment and oxygen to your baby, are already on the job.

Courtesy of Baby Center

www.babycenter.com

So clearly I'm not showing yet but I just thought I would post a picture as a reference point. I never documented any of my own pregnancies and avoided the camera whenever possible so this will be very new for me. Oh and the slight belly protrusion is a combination of a big meal, poor posture and possibly bloating:)

Second beta, my weekend brain fart, some sad news...

So the good news first! I had my second beta test today and the numbers jumped to 691. Just to recap my first beta was 119 four days ago! The reason a second and sometimes even a third beta test is performed is because it's important to see the hcg hormones (aka pregnancy hormone) increasing. More specifically they should double within 24-48 hours. And more exciting news, our first ultrasound will be on September 17th. I believe both of my IFs will be in attendance for this...which is so wonderful. My due date is May 10th and one of my IFs said this will be the most amazing birthday gift ever as his birthday is May 8th. I personally can't think of a better gift myself...so very excited for the guys. I know in my heart that they are going to be the most loving and doting dads of all time!! This is one lucky baby!!!

On a different note, more of an annoyance then anything else, is my decrepid thyroid gland. Apparently it decided to malfunction sometime between my physical and my blood work appointment for my medical evaluation this spring with my IFs clinic. Basically my body is attacking my thyroid like it's some foreign entity so I must take synthroid each morning to restore the chaos taking place in my body. I was prescribed 75mcg in the beginning of the summer which after a month or so it was determined that this dose was too high so I was switched to 50mcg. Four weeks later and yet another blood test revealed that my dosage was still too high so down to 25mcg. What I was not told was that there can be some uncomfortable side effects due to dosage changes notably the awful feeling of heart palpitations. And I got them so bad I could not sleep. So by early August and four plus blood tests later I was switched again to taking 25mcg now every other day. Ahhh hell one more thing to remember on top of all the other myriad of medications we GSs must take while cycling.

 

 



My dear synthroid

It's a love hate relationship

 



So last Friday when our RE called with our first great beta results she informed me that "I have a very temperamental thyroid" and to go back to taking 25mcg of synthroid everyday. And guess what? Yesterday as I got the great second beta report the nurse tells me to jack up the synthroid (my words not hers:)) to 50mcg again.

So here is my gripe...I have no side effects what so ever from taking synthroid. Actually I noticed almost immediately that I felt more alert and that I can actually mentally focus on a task for more then a few minutes without giving up. It's amazing how helping my son with his homework was such a chore for me just a few months ago and now it's a no brainer, amazing the power of hormones!. So here is the catch...synthroid must be taken in the morning as it acts sort of like a stimulant. After I take it I must wait a least one hour before eating, not a huge big deal just annoying so as not to effect the absorption. So what erks me to no end...because of my frequent senior moments I have to wait four hours to take any of my medications even vitamins. For some reason this is such a struggle for me to remember....so here is what happened this weekend...

After living in GA for three years I decided that we should visit the Atlanta Zoo over the Labor Day weekend! So my husband and I our three kids and my husband's friend drove 45 minutes to the zoo and as we pull-up I realized that I forgot to bring my estrace, prenatal vitamin and asprin..pull hair! No scream!! I had packed them in my purse since I still had another hour plus before I could take them, I blame the synthroid! So clearly I was not of sound mind, I choose to leave my purse at home so I would not have to lug it around. Seemed sensible at the time! So as Napoleon Dynamite would say "you Idiot!!" Not only would I have to bare another 1.5 hours of driving again but I would also miss my three year olds first trip to the zoo...well the first hour and a half. Add to that the feeling of being completely irresponsible too. I'm officially pregnant with my IFs child and these meds. are critical to keeping this little soul alive and well. So I had a senior moment it happens right? Praying that this will be the last at least as far as remembering my meds.

So your probably wondering where the sad news falls into all of this. Well last month my 14 year old daughter's best friend's mother told me over the phone that her husband was very sick...stage four cancer sick. My heart just sank and yes I was flipping speechless. Just did not know what to say...so now over the weekend we find out that her father passed away. Every time I try to discuss this with my daughter or think about a 14 year old losing her parent and so quickly I tear up and my throat gets so tight it feels like a massive lump is stuck in there. I really have very bad coping skills when it comes to death period. I have always envied people who were able to "celebrate" rather then just mourn the loss of a loved one. In this case I'm having a very difficult time wrapping my brain around a child just beginning high school and becoming a young women during what should be some the most memorable time in her life now having to cope with losing a parent when I still have both of mine at 40! So deep breath......trying not to cry right now...the good news is she was at school today and my daughter said she was so strong and was in good spirits, at least the best as one could be in given the grave circumstances. So night times are the hardest for me since my thoughts tend to wander...just trying to think happy thoughts as I know stress is not what my body needs...



 

 

 

My daughter Julia and her best friend Nicole...just adore her! Praying for her and her family

Taken last week

 



So on a lighter note, cheers to my IFs and to a wonderful and hopefully uneventful pregnancy and journey.

Beta is in....

It's been nearly two hours since my IFs RE called to tell me the good news and I'm still grinning from ear to ear! My beta numbers were great at 119.7 at 9dp5dt!

Ahhh what a relief. Even with all the positive pregnancy tests I took this week, it feels great to have a firm confirmation!

The absolute best part was sharing my IFs joy! To hear there excited voices over the phone was priceless...I know there are not absolutes and I still have to undergo a second beta on Tuesday morning...but wow to think that we are pregnant on the very first try is so amazing.

I truly feel so blessed and honored right now. To be able to share this amazing moment with my IFs is really hard to express. Right now I'm just going to bask in the early glow of pregnancy and enjoy the long weekend.

Second beta on Tuesday morning!!

In the meantime I must continue to take 2 Estrace pills three times per day, 1 baby aspirin, 1 prenatal vitamin, synthroid for my thyroid, and progesterone in oil...yes the big shot in the butt each and every night. I will continue taking these meds. for a least another 6 to 8 weeks or until my body begins making these hormones on it's own.

So far I'm feeling great physically...a little bloated which could be from the meds or from my ravenous appetite of late:)