A very sad day...

Yesterday was my IFs big day, their very first ultrasound! Everything started off great too at least on my end. I was able to secure babysitting for my youngest, arrive before our scheduled appointment time and I managed to keep my nerves at bay.

Before the guys arrived I had my blood drawn and out of the way and just as that was done our ultrasound tech. was ready to whisk me away. I told her that I was the surrogate and was still expecting my IFs. So we notified the receptionist and headed to the ultrasound room. She asked me if she could get started and I said sure with the assumption that the guys would join us as soon as they arrived.

After a few minutes of complete silence, I began to feel that she was struggling to locate the heart beat or anything for that matter but was still hopeful since her facial expression did not appear concerned. After lots of clicking noises and watching her squinting at the screen she finally said that she could see the gestational and the yoke sac but that it was very very tiny so she was having a hard time locating the fetal pole. She turned the screen towards me and showed me the sac. It was dark and empty inside. She assured me that it was still early and because it was so tiny it's possible that we just won't be able to get a view of the fetal pole.

I had tucked my cell phone by my side so I could take an ultrasound picture but I just could not get myself to do it...something just seemed off. Just as I took yet another glance at the clock hoping my IFs were going to walk in, I received a text from them. They were asking if they were at the right location as the receptionist told them that they did not have an appointment. As I responded yes the tech. said she was done and I could go get dressed. Omg! I was shocked! She was done and it was only a few minutes past 11:00, our actual scheduled time. She seemed very rushed and told me to get changed and left the room.

My poor IF's were waiting outside the room when I stepped out and looked as if they were a bit dazed and confused. I felt terrible...this appointment was theirs and some how it all happened without them.

While we waited together to speak with the doctor I shared with them the basics of the ultrasound findings and they explained the mix up at the front desk. Ahhh I just felt terrible but they were gracious and we spent the next 10 min. catching up.

We met with a new doctor as our doctor was out of town. He was very nice and spent a great deal of time explaining that although at 6 weeks and 3 days we should be able to see the fetal pole and heart beat that there is a 30% chance that everything is just fine and a repeat ultrasound within the week will confirm these findings. However there is of course a 70% chance that the pregnancy is not viable and it's nearly always related to a genetic mishap and is completely normal.

This news was very shocking to us all but as my IFs and I left we felt a great sense of hope that we would be part of that 30%.

A phone call around 5pm yesterday just dashed those hopes. All my hormone levels were perfect but my hcg hormone was very low. The nurse told me it was at 5,000 and should be around 30,000. She told me to keep taking my meds. and just to wait for my body to miscarry. Most of what she said after that was just gurgle noise, I felt such an empty feeling for my IFs it's rather hard to express in writing.

The text I received soon after from my IF was heart breaking but very warm and thankful too. He mentioned he had been crying for the last 30 min. and I could feel my eyes begin to well up. I have kept myself from crying several times as it's just not been the right time...at dinner, driving to soccer practice..can't cry and drive! Or helping my son with homework. I just wanted to lie down in bed and let it out but by the time my head finally hit the pillow I was out like a light.

I had a nice talk with my surrogacy coordinator today and writing this helps too. I know we all just have to go through the motions right now. It's hard knowing your pregnant being thrilled for your IPs and knowing the excitement they are feeling and then to have that all squashed in a five min. phone call was crushing. I have never experienced a miscarriage nor known anyone who has so the waiting for the inevitable right now is awful. I know we will all get through this just fine and I know in my heart that things will turn around and there will be a happy ending for us all in the future.