It's Not A Squinter Today!!!

Today is 8dpt and although it's still light, there is a definite line there today! I hope I'm not the only one who can see it:)

8dpt

Fast Forward To POAS

So I'm slacking in the blogging/update department because honestly life is busy and the meaty stuff is the actual 2WW and the act of POAS. So as of 5dpt it was a sucky BFN. Today is a new day and I'm feeling hopeful. Actually very hopeful because I think I actually got a squinter!!!! It may be that it's only visible to me but hey it's keeping that hope alive. So feel free to SQUINT away....

7dpt

Yikes...I'm not sure it's even visable...((sigh))

Cheers To New Beginnings!

Wow, so it's been more then two years since my last journey ended. Life got busy and I simply went along for the ride, however I never forgot about surrogacy.

Two weeks ago while I was in bed trying to fall asleep my mind just made a B-Line to surrogacy. It was the strangest thing since it had not been on my conscious mind in eons and the thought just interrupted a million other thoughts, worries, and a myraid of other things that seems to overcome me as soon as I hope to fall into a deep restful slumber...hehehe...to be a baby for a night:)

So naturally I shoo shooed all my other thoughts sat up and grabbed my cell, googleing any and all agencies that would accept an applicant such as myself who is over the lovely age of 40...eeeeek there were quite a few too!

So long story short I slept on it and spent some time over the next few days reading and researching until by chance I found an agency a mere 14 miles from my home in GA. I emailed them and recieved a wonderful response back. Met the owner and coordinator for lunch and boom it was a match! So they already have all my medical records, that's the great thing about haveing already started this process since my old RE sent them all within a week. Now just waiting for my insurance company to send my insurance booklet so we can see if there are any exclusions regarding surrogacy.

I'm super stoked to be back and to see some new and some familiar ladies on AAS!!

That's All For Now!!!

The end of my journey

I first embarked on my surrogacy journey nearly two years ago. Unforeseen events led to my decision to part ways with my first set of IPs and seek out a new agency closer to home. Then last March I was overwhelmed with joy when I met and was matched with my IFs. Over the past nine months we have developed a strong relationship that I could not have imagined even in my wildest dreams. As mentioned previously in this blog, we suffered a heart wrenching blow with the news that I had miscarried last September at five weeks. Our second transfer last month ended with the dismal news of a negative beta.

Yesterday I received a call from my coordinator telling me that my IFs RE had no idea why both transfers were unsuccessful given both embryos transferred were great and my lining and hormone levels in both instances were perfect. In a nut shell I was told that due to the possibility that my body may not be compatible with the donor in this instance that the RE has denied my medical clearance and suggested that my IFs use a new surrogate for their future transfer(s). I must admit I was stunned and heartbroken and fighting back tears. I absolutely want all the best for my IFs and with that said I agreed with my coordinator that this descion may be for the best if it gives them even the slightest advantage toward a possible successful pregnancy during their next transfer.

In the same breath which I kept to myself, I feel like I have been just tossed to the side like a used up napkin. I feel cheated of the amazing relationship that my IFs and I have although I know it does not nor will it end. I know that many surrogates on AAS have gone on to have successful pregnancies even after two failed transfers. It just feels so wrong for the doctor to make such a bold descion based on a possibility or a hunch. Although I didn't ask my coordinator, I have this very eerie feeling that because my medical file has now been denied and I have been through two transfers neither of which produced good results, that I will no longer be viewed as a good candidate for surrogacy. I just feel tainted.  And with the RE being out of town for the next month I will just have to let it all go for now which just stings.

I spoke to my IFs last night and they are clearly heartbroken which makes everything hurt so much more. They feel torn but of course they trust their doctor 100% so they are on board with moving forward and I assured them that I supported their descion, which I do, and I very much look forward to hearing all about their next journey. I very much hope that with the two remaining embryos left that one of them will be the miracle that they are waiting for. They deserve all the best.

I'm very uncertain about what this means for me in terms of being a potential surrogate again. I feel a bit overwhelmed at the idea of starting all over and rematching, if that's even an option at this point. For now it's the end of the road. I think I just need some time to process all the emotions I'm feeling too.

Beta is in...

Well we didn't get the Christmas miracle we had all so hoped and prayed for. A second transfer has come and gone leaving behind some very sad heavy hearts. The emotional heartache my IFs and so many IPs have and will go through as they take the often bumpy ride along the surrogacy train is tough. This is just not the kind of news I wanted them to have to hear and cope with days before Christmas. Clearly bringing a new life into this world is no small feet for some. With one successful transfer ending in a miscarriage and now the second with a negative beta I'm really starting to realize more on an emotional level just how lucky my husband and I are to have been able to conceive all three of our children almost the month we got that baby bug. Almost like a magic trick, abra cadabra and poof I was pregnant every time.

With such a fertile background I really didn't ever actually contemplate the whole idea that I would ever not get pregnant right away. Clearly using someone else's genetics and the whole IVF process changes things a bit but I guess I was somehow in a fog or dreamy state to think that if a healthy embryo was transferred into my uterus that the results would most likely be the same.

Sigh...come March my IFs and I will have known each other for a year. It's been a great road toward getting to better know them and spending time together. I wouldn't change that for anything. And as such I told them that I am here for them for the long haul or as long as they need me. These men are so incredible and so deserve to have all the many joys and hair pulling experiences that only parenthood can bring. It will happen sooner or later I know, just hoping it will be on the sooner side. Keeping my head up and ever so hopeful that we will all have some happier news in the new year!

The Two Week Wait is On!

So I am 4dp5dt today and my first beta is scheduled for December the 20th. It's been a rather long road getting to this second transfer or so it feels since the first one was way back in August. This transfer like the first was perfect, except this time around both of my IFs were able to attend. The entire appointment was short and sweet thanks to everything being on time as usual and the miracles of science happening in the blink of an eye.

Yet despite a perfect transfer on Monday the 10th, I had a bit of a scare when I returned home. Since I had run out of Synthroid, my thyroid medication, I promptly called my endocrinologist who is monitoring my levels for this transfer and throughout our future pregnancy. Within seconds after requesting a refill for my 50mcg prescription it became very clear that I had made a terrible mistake and I began feeling sick to my stomach. Some how when the nurse had called me three weeks ago to inform me that my doctor wanted to increase my Synthroid dosage by taking half of 125mcg pill each day, I thought that meant in addition to the 50mcg dosage I was already taking. So for three weeks I and the nurse realized that I had been taking way too much, what an incredible buzz kill after such a wonderful morning dedicated to getting me knocked up. Both Monday and Tuesday were filled with anxiety and dread waiting for my appointment Wednesday to get my thyroid levels retested to see just how high they were. My endocrinologist doc. called me yesterday and said my levels were high but she was not "concerned." I immediately contacted our clinic and my nurse coordinator that I always communicate with was so incredible. She assured me that it was ok, mistakes happen and that they would rather have my TSH be low from high dosages of synthroid, hyperthyroid, then to have a high TSH as in hypothyroid.

So here I am today still unsure if I will be poas or not. The anxiety over the past four days has just worn me out and I'm feeling so beyond cautiously optimistic that I just fear bad news more then ever. Much like the first transfer I am not having any cramping, implantation bleeding or anything at all that would indicate something was happening in there. So for now I'm just focusing on eating and sleeping well and just trying to remind myself to not worry what's done is done.

Tomorrow I will be 5dp5dt which was when I got my first BFP last time. If I suddenly get that crazy ass urge to pee I will post those results for sure!! So for now please send those strong sticky vibes this way. Who knows maybe just maybe my IFs will get the BIGGEST x-mas gift ever! Oh boy do they deserve it...fingers and toesies criss crossed!

Round Two

With a failed pregnancy, lots of heartache and a surprisingly pain free miscarriage at 5 weeks, my IFs and I are officially moving forward. Since my body is completely back to it's pre-pregnancy state, our RE has pushed our second transfer forward one month. So we are now on track for a December transfer, woot woot!

Since I have hyporthyroidism, our RE suggested that I get monitored by a specialist prior to our second transfer. I had my first appointment several weeks ago and at this point my thyroid seems to be cooperating, i.e. stable, and so gratefully my medication dosage will remain at 50mcg of synthroid daily. This is one medication that when the dosage is changed, can cause terrible heart palpitations. I experienced this over the summer when my RE switched my dosage four or five times over just a few months. Sooo not fun.

So I began taking lupron two days ago and once aunt flow visits I will be given my tentative transfer date. Next week my IFs and I have an appointment with our RE to touch base and go over all the details for the upcoming transfer. I believe that this time around my IFs will keep who is the genetic father a mystery. Everyone and their grandmother asked them whose sperm they used last time so they decided after our miscarriage for the embryologist to select on the day of transfer the very best embryo. I love that idea! Just seems to take the pressure off of them both, after all the goal here is to end up with one healthy little baby.

So fingers crossed that this second transfer will be a success!!